5AM

I opened up a few word files. I thought about trying to write--I mean, actually write, something. Usually feeling jaded and emotional = angsty half-finished stories.

But this time, all I want to do is sit here and rant until I feel better again.

Sometimes, I let the colder, less-humane thoughts of mine sit in my mind and actually form. I like to think that the fact that I can stop myself from doing 98% of the weird and sometimes mean schemes that run through my mind makes me a decent person.

And this blog entry can go two different ways. I can continue to ambiguously explore the meaning of life, or I can rant on about the frustrated love life that landed me in bed at five am typing a fucking blog post. What the fuck.

Maybe I should just take this feeling thing one step at a time.

Sometimes I just want to scream: "Hey, you, he cheated on you with me. And yet to this fucking day, you lie next to him, no doubt stroking his ego and attempting to fill that hole in his life--which isn't from actual trauma or pain, but from just being needy. I may not be the queen of extremely attractive women, but you are definitely not my cup of tea and, frankly, I find you to be very unattractive.

Yet I know that this shit version of a defense mechanism does not make me feel any better. It's strange. A month or two ago, I might not have been able to present a Katherine fully in tact. Though I may still be jaded and a little angry, I am no longer in love with the oaf with a low-IQ. I have come to terms with that relationship.

It just bugs me that, though he cheated on her, he still gets to lie in beds next to this girl, unbeknown to him taking a shit on her trust and integrity. Nevermind my role in the adultery, as that opens up another door more trust and integrity that's been shitted on.

I cannot say that I have not been happy. On the contrary, I have been extremely happy. In the summer--but most of all, this fall and winter, when I was in the process of sifting through all the bullshit. The people I have met are extraordinary and, though the guys possess similar airheaded qualities as the type of men that usually are the arrow to my achilles' heel, they are notably much more intelligent and driven. I mean there are two main ways of attaining Trojan status: have fuckloads of money, or earn it.

My experiences at USC with the people I have met--I would not trade for another moment with the sexually confused cheater. However, if someone could somehow make his facebook profile--the one that I, ironically, created for him--vanish and eliminate all references to our past relations by old mutual connections, I would have the best 2010 imaginable.