I like the person who I am trying to be--smarter, more mature, more worldly. However, this change in character, as with every choice one makes, presents both its ups and downs. One, I miss being absolutely silly and ridiculous. I think the loss of my childish humor and thickheaded naivety has made me, well, kind of awkward. I mean when I was younger I had no problem meeting people at work and being oh so completely silly. The weird thing was that worked. I made great friends that I could hold complete conversations with. I don't know what happened, but that's not me anymore. I can no longer easily converse with new people--well I can, but then again I can't. I can't be natural, though I can be polite. Now, I worry about whether they'll like me, whether they'll think I'm cool; I watch what I say, what I do--and yet, ironically, I still come off as looking like a jackass.
And not only that, but trying to be a better person for educational purposes has turned me into a haughty, condescending, elitist prick. My liberal mindset and difficult background is no longer enough to keep me humble--not when my peers, colleagues, and friends are spoon feeding me all the standard stuff about success. I do not think that happiness is dependent upon getting into college, picking a reliable major, or, most of all, finding a sugar daddy. That isn't what I believe! And the old me was all for love and feelings triumphing over all other aspects being making a person eligible, no matter what the circumstances!! Now I find myself considering if I would date people DESPITE this or that. Really? What? Is this REALLY me?
And as for my own status in all of this I can't even be sure of. I am stuck in this fucking limbo. I am not rich, I am not pretty, and I will not jump on the money-thirsty, greed-driven bandwagon that has seemed to consume everyone else. However, I am enrolled in a pretty good college and I am pretty able and good at learning.
It's funny that though I may be an elitist, I still pretty much hate myself. I hate so many things about me that it seems almost impossible for me to think of anyone else as being below me. God, even my language is condescending. I like to tell myself--when I am talking to really cool and intelligent people who aren't going to college--that they are following their own path, or they've made a few mistakes and are trying to get on track. But the truth is that when I'm left to my own thoughts, I think about how most people I know who enroll in community colleges won't make their way to a four year university.
And these thoughts--they kill me. I am a self-centered, haughty, condescending elitist! My worst fucking nightmare! I am basically everyone I hate, but not as pretty. HUH. Though I don't think I am an entirely evil person, when I feel those negative thoughts rising in my brain, it overshadows any positive feelings that I've mustered up about myself.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself. But for now I am going to settle on the fact that I know that I will never be perfect and the fact that I can identify my flaws and strive to be a better, more understanding person is enough to keep me satisfied with the progress I am making as an individual.
However, my next question to ponder will be whether the environment of the place where I chose to pursue a higher education will change me and my fundamental values. Is it really the best fit for me, considering who and what I want to become?
Yes, this was a rant.
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